Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Heroic Misunderstanding
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
car not found
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”