FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.