Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.