Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
You Might Also Like
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is