some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone: