BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.