We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.