When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?