Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Batman v Dracula
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there