If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.