(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Cats are still liquid.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.