I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
nyc:
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials