goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
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COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.