‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’