A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.