I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Just why bro?!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream