*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
こいつ天才
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.