*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
You Might Also Like
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.