Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
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Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
❤️🦆