[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.