Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.