I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
this is me
absolutely not
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English