My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!