Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
😂 amazing answer
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.