Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Saw online –
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*