Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.