The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
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“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage