[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
jesus, what did this guy do
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I’d use my best pan on you.