At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers