Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Dammit Chief not again
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*