I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
You Might Also Like
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”