[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Siri, fight Alexa.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad