Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: