Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach