Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Bit chilly again tonight.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Harsh but fair
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”