GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.