Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Selfie
I have never related to a cat more
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
absolute chaos
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??