There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
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People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.