Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
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thank god the sign was there
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean