If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!