Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”