police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
You Might Also Like
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics