Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”