Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?