Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
plant them where lol
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise