If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.