My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”