You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
this was the best i’ve ever seen
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter