Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
step 6: release the wall snake
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump