Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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Jesus steals the winter solstice
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
🤣dope
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?